Two years ago my husband and I suffered the miscarriage of our first baby.
His name was Asher Milton.
Even with the passage of time, my heart still hurts.
I didn’t know baby Asher’s heart stopped beating when it did. It wasn’t until our 12-week prenatal check up that we found out the tiny life we loved so much was already gone.
Because I had a “missed miscarriage” I needed a D&C. In shock and with many tears, we made the arrangements for the surgery.
The day of the procedure was awful and hard. I was scared, heartbroken, and disappointed. The doctor gave me a pill before the procedure that caused my body to open and pass our little boy. This medication caused incredibly painful contractions, nausea and vomiting. I felt like my body was fighting to hold on to the little life it struggled so hard to embrace…
…but after some hours, the drug won.
During the worst of it, I was hanging over a toilet just praying God would help in some way. John sent a text message asking some close friends to pray. Within five minutes most of my pain was gone.
On the bathroom floor I half fell asleep and had the most beautiful dream. I was surrounded by complete peace. All of the sudden, I could not help but confess everything I’d ever done wrong. I felt like I was in the presence of God. Verses from the Bible flooded my mind and Psalm 23 particularly stood out. Over and over I heard,
“though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil”
…and then very clearly,
“for my God is with me”.
I found myself in a lush field of green grass with a man. He gently asked me to give him my child and allowed me to say goodbye. He unbuttoned his shirt and I could see inside his heart. Within were innumerable tiny babies, all curled up and all seemed to be smiling in the most sweet and peaceful way. I saw Asher there, in this man’s heart, so happy and warm.
The dream went away, but I was left in complete awe and worship of God. Soon after I felt the baby pass from my body.
Two years later, the pain is still very real and I wish so badly that Asher could be in my arms. I’ve struggled all week to write this post and I struggle now to end it. The truth is, this pain—the loss of our unborn child—will never go away on this side of Heaven. If you’ve experienced this tragedy as well, my heart is with you.